| this is in two places. you can't miss it. |
[20 Aug 2006|03:12pm] |
okay. no names. don't comment. i'm not being cryptic. this is for you and you should know that without me having to say your name.
i am not about to decipher every little thing i've written in these past months? was it months? i dont even know. it was probably plural. i've been all pissy for quite some time now.
every time you metioned her i got a little more jealous and a little more upset and a little more "broken" or whatever, that's the only way i can decide to describe it. i felt like shit. i feel like shit. like i wasnt good enough and maybe i'm not and that's fine because i am used to not being good enough. i am used to not being what people want and all this other whiney bullshit that only a stupid kid like me could come up with. i am used to it all. but i still had some tiny hope that things would eventually blow over and ya know, everything would go back to how it was. somewhere in between where i started walking a lot because i couldn't tell you how i felt and way later when i started staying away from the computer more and more because i couldn't stand hearing about her and how much you liked her. i am pretty sure, no matter how nice she may be, i don't even know her and i kind of think i hate her. i am immature and dumb but i really just don't care. i really don't. if i did i wouldn't be saying any of this. i'm pretty sure if she read this i still wouldn't care. sometimes i'm cold and this would be one of those times.
okay, so you don't want to be in one place. that's fine. don't be. where i want to live doesn't need to tie you down and all this other bullshit and that's fine. i can deal with that. we can just be friends and i can eventually be fine with that. that thing you wrote didn't bother me until i read "I never think its worth it." what is that? no really, that hurt a lot. maybe i'm not taking it the way you meant it but i cant see any other way i could have taken it. i wasnt asking you to wait for me, not in that way, i was saying wait three years until we can like, actually be together. ya know, together as in next to each other and not just talking.
i don't know. i really don't have anything else to say and i can't think of anything so now that you think i'm away, i am honest to god going to go read like i said i was going to and maybe just go back to sleep. i hope whatever you decide to do, stay or not with your girlfriend, i hope things work out in some way that you want them to.
and dont you think i'm mad at you, i could never be. i'm just hurt and i think i have some right to be at this point. you are still one of the most amazing people i know. you are still one of my closest friends. nothings going to change that.
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[20 Aug 2006|01:20pm] |
you probably didn't plan yours, but i'm planning mine. because, really, i know it's not your fault but i am going to make it out as if it was. you'll never get it because i will never explain it because i want you to be happy because you deserve it. you do. i'm not gonna mess with that. not any more. i mean, sure i've tried and all attempts have gone unnoticed so really this is me being selfish and lazy again. look, it's not that you're not worth it, i am just sick of wasting my time. good friend? yeah, i try. i really do. i try to be caring and nice and put (a few) others before me and really sometimes it works- in this situation it did and hey i'm thankful for that because you're really not that bad either. it's just those little things, ya know? the ones you really don't even realize you do or say that get me. hey, everyone's like it. dont think you're horrible. you're not. it's the whole world and there's no changing that. i've tried. all attempts have gone unnoticed. i'm done bothering.
last full week of vacation and all i want to do is live in my bed and not move.
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[19 Aug 2006|06:46am] |
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i swear to god, my mother is absolutely insane.
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| i lied. we are back to that psychosis. |
[15 Aug 2006|07:38pm] |
people don't realize it but sometimes they feed you false hope. i really dont think most of them mean to but it still happens and when reality comes back down it's kind of depressing and you feel stupid. doesn't matter what it's about, you still just feel dumb. no one likes feeling dumb. at least, i'm pretty sure no one likes feeling dumb. i know i don't.
everyone lives in two worlds. the world that's actually there (world a) and the world they make up in their head (world b). world a is more likely than not to be the more logical one. that's just how things work. world b is more likely than not to be the one that we wish were more logical. world a is honest and world b is perfect. i'm not sure of which i want at this point but to be honest, just like everyone else, i think i would prefer to live in world b. my mom calls this psychosis. i looked it up. i am pretty sure she is half right. it would be psychosis if i didnt have people telling me to "wake up" every second. i wouldn't mind not being able to tell the difference. things couldn't be more confusing than they are now.
i don't know where i read it or heard it or if i dremt it or what, but somewhere- somewhere it was stated that people will try to keep you from the person you love not because they love you but just because they are all for being an obstacle. no one wants you in love but yourself. people are all for you being happy as long as you're not in love. it's weird. i'm not sure i believe it entirely or if i understand it entirely but i know i am most definitely one of those people that don't mind being an obstacle. the only difference is, even though i may not love the person (at times), i do always like them. and i dont go out of my way to fuck them over. i am sometimes glad they're happy with who they have but most of the time i am selfish and don't give a fuck. i find weird ways of getting into a person's head. i will intentionally hurt someone without making it seem intentional.
i think i am a bit more smart than people give me credit for. even if all i do is pick things apart and try to ruin them. at least i do a good job at that.
i absolutely love the kids that lurk the hell out of every website i have a journal/blog/whatever on and they assume i am never happy. how often does someone blog when they are actually really happy about something? maybe it's just me. i dont blog when i have anything good to say. i blog when i'm upset or mad. don't assume you know my moods because it's as simple as, you don't. i do have my happy moments. i may look at the glass as half empty, sure. the glass is only half empty because i just drank the water that was filling that half of the glass to the brim. i am in love with life. i am not dumb, i would never do something really stupid to myself. don't assume you know me by what i write.
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[28 Jul 2006|08:46am] |
Sometimes I don't know if I should say that I'm thinking or keep my mouth shut so naturally I go with keeping my mouth shut. Don't want to offend. I think I've stated it before, every time I part my lips to open my mouth I end up sticking my entire foot in. It's just that I really feel I should be saying something about this, about what's going on with me but I just don't know who to talk to or even who will listen because I know a lot of my friends, at this moment in time, have a lot of their own problems and wouldn't be ablt to understand / wouldn't want to, which is fine. I refuse to talk to my sisters about any of it because they know how to sympathize just as well as my dad does and hey we've all heard my stories about my dad, I just wont get into that.
To top it all off (I basically didn't even get into what I meant to get into, sweet. too lazy to go back. what else is new) I feel like I don't really have the right to complain about this at all. Maybe I don't. A year and a half isn't long, why should I have the right to complain? That's not what tops it off though. I wish I could stop getting distracted. What tops it all off is one of the people I'm closest to is telling me that I don't even sound/seem upset and that I probably don't even care.
Thanks. So now I can feel guilty and like shit because one of the people I care most about is in the hospital. Thank you.
From here on out I probably wont update here. I was into keeping things public for a while but now I just find myself wanting to bitch about more and more people and for that I'll go hide behind the friends only option on a different site. I'm more than sure I have most of you added at the other place I update anyway.
& for lack of place to put this:
a mill to juan: hey, we need to find a way to keep the disco away from american apparel.
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[24 Jul 2006|07:40am] |
how bad is a bad condition? and when can I go see you? it feels like its been forever. i'm really hoping here. i'm trying my best. i don't pray but ya know if i did you'd be there. brown eyes and i'm a mess because mine are so dry and bloodshot right now that they're useless. i look and i try to see things in a new way but the only way i see them is blurred and my chest's caved from punching it and telling it to calm the fuck down. just calm down. hey, i just hope things are alright. i'm not sure what i'll do if they're not. ten times over and sorry just doesn't sound right when said aloud, it sounds stupid. even more stupid since you can't hear me. hey look, alright, just listen. maybe if i think hard enough you'll pick something up. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. two words that i'll never run over enough. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. and i'm not just apologizing for the guy in the car or for myself, i'm apologizing for everyone. because hey, i always knew you were better. better than i gave you credit for and better than me and better than the situation we put ourselves in and better than our writing but it worked, didn't it? unsent letter. that's what this is turning into. you'll never see this. i heard there was a fire and now it's loud in my ears. everything's orange and red and fuck, okay, i'm so sorry. make that eleven times. i'm writing you off like you're already gone because from what i hear it's really bad. really really bad and i dont have a way to get down there and no one knows about us here. no one that'll drive me down there and it sucks. it sucks in the worst way and i'm just sorry sorry sorry. i'm sorry i'm not sixteen yet. i'm sorry i can't drive. i'm sorry i can be such an insensitive bitch and that i ignore what you're saying when your mouth is shut. i'm sorry. because you always said more when your lips were sealed and your eyes were talking for you. i'm sorry. and if you could see me right now, the way i look, the way i feel, the way i'm breathing, the way i am you'd believe me and i know this. when you say i'm a mess it's because it's true. and i believe you because in my eyes you're always right.
do you think since you're always right you could just say aloud right now that you're going to make it through this and you're going to be alright? because it would make me feel so much better right now and i'm sure jaystin would like that too.
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[21 Jul 2006|09:14pm] |
Keviin Hates: there's something really weird about the internet
Keviin Hates: you don't know anyone personally
Keviin Hates: but you still take everything they say personal
oh if I ever said he didn't mean a lot to me I was probably pissed off, I lied.
Because he understands me a lot better than people think.
& the fact that one of my friends can sit there and say he's not good enough for me is bullshit because even if he's not, oh well. he may not be "good enough for me" but I don't want "good enough for me". he's what I want and if you can't take that and deal with it then maybe you shouldn't bother with me.
him and I connect on a level that no one else does. we're both fucked out of our minds half the time and when no one understands what we're trying to get at, we still understand each other. you know those conversations that are like "you know that thing, with that one color and the noise it makes" & no one else ever gets it? yeah well he gets it.
and I get it. And I'm happy.
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[19 Jul 2006|12:23pm] |
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This is the dawning of a new light. The life of a center fold girl and I am writing out her world in all her glory. There are ink splotches on my hand from when I've fallen asleep with pen in hand and I think they're all hints that I should give this a break. It's just too bad that I can't.
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[18 Jul 2006|11:49am] |
I want to carry that picture with me everywhere. Looking at the grass and the abandoned cars just does something for me. I want to write those words on my body permanently so when I'm losing hope I can just read them and know that if I keep going, things will be okay. If I push on, I'll be okay. I want them everywhere: posters, notebooks, the walls of my room, etched into my head. I want those words everywhere I can see, but only so I can see them. Because they do something for me. There is something in them every time I read them. They mean more to me than anyone could understand. No matter who I show, I just get a "oh that's nice" or a "aw that's sweet". it's not nice, it's not sweet, it's honest and the lines alone were written, were made to keep someone going.
I'll keep going.
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[17 Jul 2006|09:28pm] |
Sometimes we say we care for people because our mind tricks us into doing so and we don't ever really care for them in the way we tell them. It's okay, some times we just have to hurt people and get hurt ourselves and tell the ones involved, later on (ya know months down the road), that they're happy that the other's happy. Yeah I'm real happy you're happy, okay? Real happy. I hope I seem it.
lmao I think it was just yesterday I was telling someone that I said I was going to be honest with myself from now on and it may not seem funny but I think I've lied to myself a good (at least) ten times already today. Within the same hour as well. Oh I lovelovelove it.
I can't retire from gj. so if I ever had you added there, you might as well add me back. You know you miss my constant talk on vomit and the other gross things I dooooo.
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[16 Jul 2006|04:00pm] |
Sometimes we do stupid things, like find our faith in bathroom stalls. Lucky girls in shopping malls. We eat up what we hear on the internet and one day we'll be so full of what we thought was true, that we'll be spitting www.'s and .com's all over you. We aren't gullable, we just let our minds go and sometimes they don't come back for days. We are high above the clouds of laughter and we don't need your drugs to keep us there. Man, we're fucked up but we wouldn't want it any other way because at least being fucked up the way we are can't get any worse. We are so out of our heads that we'd get lost if we tried to go back. I think I am okay with that. We don't ask for more, we ask for lesslessless and we don't expect much out of each other, that's alright. Because we can't expect much out of ourselves.
Tip your head up, look at the stars and pretend to kiss the sky because that's the closest you'll ever be to heaven and I really hope that's alright. Is that alright?
Warped tour couldn't come sooner. I am dying but in that weird good way where I don't really care. Sleep deprivation or however that is spelt and I am too lazy to straighten my hair. Oh summer, look what you've done to me. I talk to myself and the walls and they understand what I'm saying sometimes, I think. I can hear it in the way they creak.
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[13 Jul 2006|09:36am] |
lmao I'm pretty sure Patrick TreeStump makes my life :( Yeah, I just got around to listening to that cover of So Sick. Dead.
I guess it's a good thing I'm getting out of the house and hanging out with people tonight/tomorrow/sunday because I just instructed myself to stop talking to myself. It's getting pretty scary. I found my phone yesterday so at least I have that on me and can talk to people now. I don't know anyone's phone number by heart except kelsi's so using my home phone is always a pain in the ass. I'm pretty incapable of using 411. The one time I tried I got freaked out and hung up the phone.
This'll probably be my single update until next week and it's pretty pointless.
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[12 Jul 2006|05:54pm] |
mikey murdaa: you really want to know what he said?
Jae Is Legend: Yeah, whatever
mikey murdaa: He said "jae is basically the reason second chances exist"
Jae Is Legend: lmao
Jae Is Legend: Kevin is basically the reason CSI exists
Jae Is Legend: because by the time I'm done with him they're gonna need CSI all up on him. That boy isn't going to be recognizable.
i have bad come backs. but hey, thanks for the neat saying. i never fucked up with you, you were the one that was an aaaaaaaaaaaaass hooooooooole. and your friends will even stick up for me. cool.
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[12 Jul 2006|12:31pm] |
i h8 myspace lolz. i'll probably delete mine so you guys will be hearing less and less from me. no biggie. and I'm sure if you put two and two together you could easily figure out my cell phone number seeing as it's right in front of your face.
today is screaming "OLD SCHOOL" so I found some older cd's and sat down and just listened and it's been nice but I'm starting to feel really, really stupid. Why haven't I thrown these out yet? I should really do that.
ps. people without favorite colors confuse the hell out of me. how in the world could you not have a favorite color? my favorite color is green. and sometimes yellow. never blue or red or black though. Some colors just scream drastic/intense to me and I'm never up for something too intense.
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| i can't help but forgive everybody . |
[10 Jul 2006|07:41pm] |
funniest.thing.ever.
second funniest thing ever? me.
notch in a song: "hi, jae, can i uhhhh, see your teeth?"
Jae is Legend: I'd be like BTCHZ GON NEED SUNGLASSES FRSSSSSSST :-D
notch in a song: STFU YOU AINT GOT NO PEET WENTS TEEF
Jae is Legend: THATZ RIGHT I DONT BECAUSE MINE FIT IN MY MOUF
notch in a song: OUCH BURNNNNN. DID PEET ORDER SOMETHIN OFF DA MENUUUUUUUUU? HE JUST SERVEDDDDDD
Jae is Legend: im servin dat bitch up daily. he cries himself to sleep at night because of me.
Finished the darker green in my room today, which really isn't that dark. in fact it's really fuckin bright so the lighter green is going to be asjkhdakshfawkinintense. ya heard? this isn't a real update. you can ignore it. ;*
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[09 Jul 2006|04:58pm] |
I love shaking my foot when I sit. I love nodding my head when I don't pay attention. I love colouring on paper table clothes with crayons. I love eating Corn Nuts on two hour subway trips. I love telling black guys I'm into chocolate women. I love observing people and getting scolded for staring. I love mimicing your speech pattern. I love taking on your body language. I love making you smile without moving your mouth. I love pausing in the middle of a kiss and saying "Hi." I love knowing that there is always something bigger to catch. I love knowing that you aren't beautiful until I know you. I love keeping things sacred. I love being for just one person. I love watching your hands move when I should be listening to you speak. I love knowing I'm saying more when nothing's coming out of my mouth. I love asking the hobos if they have a dollar. I love how boxing rings are square. I love having a tight grip. I love feeling your expressions change when your face is buried in my neck. I love the scent of your voice, the taste of your beauty, the sworn secrecy that your eyes give me when I'm spilling, the one millionth of a millimeter between our skin; just enough room. I love breathing in what you breathe out. My body is a temple. Don't try to get inside me and and then use it to claim sanctuary. I want to grow to think you're the most beautiful creature; not lust over you at first sight. I am not afraid of satan. I am afraid of God. My hands are chaotic. My scent can be felt. My ears are brilliant. My eyes can taste. My lips can hear. My sexuality will make you melt. My honesty will make you freeze. My world is provocative. I'm here to offend you; to make you uncomfortable.
-Isaiah
If I could write like that and had that type of attitude I believe I would be well off and making money right at this moment.
I know a kid, we used to be really close, that used to do the bolded (above) and it was the weirdest but still the cutest thing in the world. To say I miss what I had is quite possibly the biggest understatment ever. At least we still talk? I've ruined other things in a much worse way I suppose. You know, it's funny how the things you say annoy you the most are really the things you love when they're not being done any more.
And just because I can:
this is why if you want to kiss you should kiss.
If you want to cry you should cry, and
if you want to live you should live.
-R.Ross
I wish I could just do the things I wanted to do sometimes and say everything I wanted to say but it seems there's this thing inside of me that's always stopping me, always cutting me off and it's so annoying because I just want to let some people know that I still care about them. I want to ask them to not be mad at me (please) and understand that the only reason I don't talk to them much any more is because I've run out of things to say and they just always seem so busy. I hate interupting people, you see. I do miss you even though you're not gone.
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[08 Jul 2006|07:40pm] |
"Hello, it's me. I'm returning your call. It's monday, wednesday, friday, between noon and three," he says. "I usually just let the phone ring, but I've always got a minute of time, for the next big thing."
This weekend has been kind of fucked to say the least. It's funny how at any given moment people will call you and expect some of your time. You always have the choice to really give them that time I guess but sometimes it's really really hard to say "No. I don't feel like it. I can't. I'm busy. Maybe another time." Mostly because you know you only have three years left and when you think about it three years really isn't that long to get to know a person. Not long at all. It takes a life time to get to know someone so why not give people every chance possible to get to know you and vise versa? Because god knows you're not the most social person and it's best to be around people any time you actually want to bother talking with them. You are, to say the least, the most unsociable person you know and in a way it really really sucks.
And by you, I mean people for the most part but for the other parts, the parts where I say you and don't mean everyone I really mean me and if you can't understand this sentence don't worry about it because it lost it's meaning a couple key strokes back blah blah blah.
You know I think it's funny how everyone is always like "oh well I'm not judgemental, I am the most openminded person in the world" (even though that title has been given to me on numerous occasions by numerous people) because that is complete bullshit. You are going to judge someone no matter what, some people just have the decency to not say aloud how they are feeling about someone at any given moment. I say decency but if you think about it these people are usually the ones that will sit there and bullshit your friendship the entire times you are friends with them and then go off and tell their other friends that they really really cant stand you because you are a judgemental freak and need to calm the fuck down. Hahahah whaaaaaaaat? Yeeeeeeeeah. No one is not judgemental. If you think about it being judgemental is just having a very strong oppinion on something and if you really think about that, is that really so bad? If we didn't have strong oppinions on something we'd be fuckin stupid and no one would find us interesting or annoying or astounding or weird or anything else. We would all just be people and no one would want to take their life time to get to know us because we'd suck and we'd be boring and we'd be better off being pushed off a cliff on to some jagged rocks.
I, for one, cannot stand being around people that do drugs. I can be around them when they're clean and not talking about drugs but as soon as someone starts talking about them or lighting something up in front of me I am out of there in no time flat or I am sitting there telling them to shut the fuck up. Why? Because I can't stand dumb asses that spend so much money on drugs. Why? Because it doesn't make sense to me so I am judgemental bitch about it. Why? Mostly because I can be and drugs just are not for me. I am horrible when it comes down to this, really. I cannot see why people would waste money on drugs. I can't see why they would let themselves become addicted to something that can ruin their life. I cannot see the point in any of it so, since I can't see the point in doing drugs, I decide to be a bitch when people try explaining to me why they do drugs. Why am I bitch? I don't really know. I guess it's fun.
Another thing I cannot stand and tend to be really bitchy about? Racism and all that other bullshit. lmao ahhh. Okay, give me one good reason why you hate black people and it can't be "oh because they be duuuuuuumb niggas" because I will knock you the fuck on your ass. Claps for you because you hate someone for their skin color and you can say degrading words about them. I hope it makes you feel tough because it just makes you seem like dumb ass to me. As soon as you fuckin say "ahh I hate black people" you are on a list, with a good hunk of other people, that I find incredibly stupid. "Ahhh I hate jews they should burn". Yeah well AHHH I HATE YOU YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A REASON TO HATE JEWS YOU JUST DO BECAUSE LAWLZ HITLER IS SO TOTALLY KEWLZ!~* YOU LEARNT ABOUT HIM IN HISTORY AND IN ALL HONESTY HE WAS A FUCKIN MONSTER WHO KILLED PEOPLE BECAUSE HE COULD AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. Fuck. Okay. Back to what this really was about, as you can see, I am judgemental of these types of judgemental people.
I am also not a fan of dumb asses. I can be a huge dumb ass at times but I can pull it off because I only tend to be a dumb ass on a few occasions. Man, if you're a dumb ass 24/7 you should just go off yourself now and save the world some trouble because goddamn is your ass annoying holy shit. If you're so stupid as to try and copy those kids that made those jackass movies then good ridance. There are kids that do those things in parks near my house and think they're really cool only they're not because there are younger kids that pick up on these things and could really hurt themselves by watching these older kids that should be setting a good example but arent. i hate idiots.
Oh haha, anyway. All I did this weekend was hang out with Azia, go to the movies with my parents and write a lot. And by a lot I mean I've filled up three notebooks already. It's sad. But yup, that's been my weekend. I'm not spellchecking this whatev.
 
(these are from a few days ago)
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[06 Jul 2006|06:58pm] |
I dont like change. Sorry my life has gotten busy lately and I cant be around as much as I used to be.
readl update when i get back from my sisters house tomorrow. uuugh.
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